The Boregasm

The only thing worse than bad sex, is bad sex. It's awkward, boring, and a waste of your time. For girls, the biggest disappointment of all time could also be the smallest disappointment of all time, if you know what I mean. NOBODY wants to pull down that pair of Calvin Klein boxer-briefs and see what looks like a baby's thumb. How is someone supposed to work with something they can't even find? As you search around for this needle in a haystack you may think to yourself, maybe this guy is a GROWER, not a shower. Your strategy is to do your best to work your usual magic, but NOTHING happens. Now, you're already way too deep into the situation (actually, not so deep at all) to quit. Your only option at this point is to basically lay there until it's over while thinking of the best excuse or the easiest escape route to GET YOURSELF THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

There's also the gift that's actually a curse in disguise. The opposite situation is no better when the guy's trouser snake is not just your average garden snake, rather an ANACONDA. Women are trained by the phrase "the bigger the better" or maybe even "the bigger the wetter". Sometimes, this is NOT the case. When that 8th wonder of the world finally makes it inside of you, you wonder if this is what childbirth feels like.  There should never the internal debate of "am I wet or am I bleeding?” The ultimate issue is addressed in the movie "The Sweetest Thing". Unfortunately it just might be "TOO BIG TO FIT IN HERE".

And the third case of bad sex: the kind of sex that makes you question whether or not you and this guy ACTUALLY took part in coitus with one another (and i don’t mean you were too drunk to remember). You recall some rather frisky foreplay, and you remember him climbing on top of you, but the next thing you know there is cum all over the bed and a limp dick. GUYS: LEARN HOW TO LAST LONGER.  We know how good it feels for you to thrust and bust, but this does absolutely nothing but make us wonder when the last time this guy masturbated was, in a past life? I’m not sure it is even considered sexual intercourse when you’re only pumping away for 10 seconds.  Girls, if you actually ponder whether or not it is a JOKE that this guy has already finished, and maybe it is his way of teasing you, it is time to find a real man who knows how to please a woman and not just HIMSELF.

SO with all of these painstakingly horrifying sex scenarios, the only thing a girl sets out to accomplish is an orgasm, but the worst has occurred and instead, all she’s gotten is a BOREGASM. To all you cocky (maybe not literally) dudes who think you’re the man in the bedroom, figure out a way to compensate or all you're going to be able to do is use your hand and lubricate.