The Chatty Companion

One of the biggest BUZZKILLS of all time is when you're getting physical with

your fuck buddy and he starts playing his own game of 21 questions. The CHATTY COMPANION will talk throughout the entire experience, from fore-play until he finishes (if you can tolerate his incessant talking to even make it to this point). The CHATTY COMPANION will ask non-stop questions such as "does it feel good?", "do you like that?", "did you cum yet?", "did you get off?". MAYBE I WOULD BE ENJOYING THIS IF YOU WOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP. If it felt good, this dude would know by the girls’ reaction to his technique. Now that he's asked, the mood has been killed like Vanilla Ice's career.  NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK MR. CHATTERBOX.

Guys, these questions only make you seem inexperienced and frankly, quite fucking annoying. Confidence is key. Act like your amazing at what you do, and you probably will be. If not, WE WILL GUIDE YOU. If you’re fingering me and it doesn't feel good I'm not gonna keep my mouth shut and let you probe at my vagina like you’re a fucking knight in a jousting match. I will GLADLY give you a map to my clit if you really can't locate it, because there's nothing worse than wasting time with someone who clearly needs to take a trip to Barnes and Noble and buy "Fucking for Dummies" ASAP. 

Talking (unless it's dirty) is working against you and making the girl want to run away faster than Forrest Gump, so do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Beware of the FRAT ATTACK!

Do you remember those amazing frat parties in college where girls acted like whores and guys reaped the benefits? Yeah, neither do I. These common cases of amnesia are not because we’re getting older and our memory is disintegrating. No. This is because frat boys most likely roofied your deliciously dangerous drink commonly known today as Jungle Juice.

Jung-le Juice

(juhn-gul jue-ce)
–noun
1. the name given to a improvised mix of liquor that is usually served for group consumption.
2. mixtures containing large quantities of hard alcohol and a variety of fruit juices.
 i.e.: Everclear, rum, gin, tequila, vodka, and whiskey, mixed with orange, grapefruit, cranberry, grape, pineapple or other juices for flavor. YUMMY!

Girls usually have a love/hate relationship with Jungle Juice since you get fucked up from about half as many calories than you normally would intake, it tastes quite yummy, and it’s free. However, the after-effects of jungle juice are usually not worth the benefits. After only about a cup of this concoction, you most likely will end up with your head in a dirty frat house toilet, or naked in some grotesque frat boys’ bed.

BUT, let’s not totally “blame it on the alcohol”... we should probably blame it on the FRAT ATTACK. Why does this happen? Well, have you ever heard of the drug called Xanax? Ever told yourself you would never drink and take Xanax because it is soooo dangerous? Well I hate to break it to you, but if you recall “hitting up fraternity row” one too many times in college, you most likely drank Xanax-induced jungle juice. Think you’re safe if you stay clear of the jungle juice? Don’t be a fucking fool. Frat Bros even put this quickly dissolving drug in bottle of your favorite liquor of choice. Does the vodka the frat bros provided look un-opened and perfectly see-through clear? Well, take it to a scientist and have it tested if you don’t believe me when I say that there is fucking Xanax in there.

Case and point: Veronica is your average sorority girl. She puts on an act of innocence during the day, maintains a 3.5 GPA, volunteers at the local soup kitchens, all of that bullshit, but when Friday night rolls around, not only does the sun go down, but Veronica’s morals do as well. She puts on her one-size-too-small-should-be-a-shirt, wears it as a dress, and skips on over to the frattiest of frats on campus. She thinks she “knows her limit” all too well, and “would never” do drugs, so decides to pour herself a cup of the freshly made jungle juice. She can trust her fellow frat friends, after all they made the drink themselves.

Two hours later, Veronica has managed to make out with two different frat brothers, and finds herself in her bra and thong in the middle of a jello-wrestling contest. Sad thing is that this bitch isn’t going to remember SHIT in the morning. Ladies, this is a clear case of “FRAT ATTACK”. When it comes to jungle juice, “it tastes so good once it hits your lips” that you cannot find it in your heart to put it down. I do give credit to these sneaky and manipulative frat boys who usually get away with these attacks, night after night after night...

Disclaimer: if you have ever been a victim of “FRAT ATTACK” please call our hot line at 1-800-FRAT…YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Headiquette

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: 

Hopefully by now, every girl knows that any BRO'S main goal is to get their dick wet. What I mean by this is that guys LOVE a good blowjob, otherwise known as head. There are definitely some universal ground rules when it comes to head (HEADIQUETTE). 

Girls, being able to give a good beej is a CRITICAL skill-set to be able to put on your sexual resume. Yes, technique is extremely important, but I'll get to that later. More importantly, DO NOT be selfish with your man. DO NOT complain that he has some sort of an issue getting hard when you haven't even touched his one-eyed monster. Foreplay is extremely important and whether you're going to finish him off or not, give him a little taste (or yourself a little taste) of what you can do. As for the the most important rule of all, SWALLOW. It's fucking RUDE to spit out his little swimmers. Gulp it down like it's that milkshake from McDonald's that you've been spending extra time at the gym to afford the calories for. 

As far as technique goes, this says everything about your blowjob personality. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Fondling the Boys: When going down town on your man you never forget the boys in back. Whether it’s pausing to give them a little lick, dip in your mouth, or light cupping, you pay close attention to his nuggets.You’re a real caretaker.You pay attention to the little details in things. Forgetting to thank the chef or send out thank you cards after a party has never been an issue for you.

Licking Lollipop: You take big long licks of your man’s dick, and rub his tip across your lips while locking eyes. You sexual vixen, you.You thrive in spotlight and love nothing more than having all attention on you. 

Deep Throater: Your throat knows no limits. You are a champion. You have always been able to push yourself far beyond any limits anyone had ever set for you. Dreaming big isn't where it stops for you; you’re ambitious and you plan to have it all, and dammit you will.

As for guys, you have rules to follow yourselves. Be GRATEFUL. DO NOT beg for it, push a girl's head down, or ask us if we want to take a "nap in your lap". The answer is automatically NO. 
If you can't follow these few and simple rules, learn how to such your own like Marilyn Manson…Get some fucking HEADIQUETTE before a girl decides to go Lorena Bobbit on your ass. 

The Amelia Earhart

Have you ever thought you finally found the guy you've been looking for your entire life? You've been seeing each other every day for weeks, maybe even months, and when you aren't together, you have a constant text conversation going. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he becomes your very own AMELIA EARHART. WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS GUY GO? It literally seems as if he has disappeared off the face of the planet, flown to an unknown land, and DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

So what happened? Some will never know. The most common reason for this AMELIA EARHART type situation is his BROS. Typically, when a guy is really into a girl, his BROS feel threatened. They think he's become a PUSSY and that he's as WHIPPED as an S&M connoisseur. They think that he's spending too much time with this girl instead of playing poker with them and crushing beer cans on their heads like BROS are supposed to. Because of this, the typical CLAN OF BROS will make this guy feel guilty and tease him into being scared that he is ruining his life.

Because of the guys obsession with the BROMANCE, girls all around the world are suffering from the AMELIA EARHART. It seems that this guy’s face will show up on the side of a fucking milk carton, but he never returns. 

The Committed to Not Committing

Ever had that friend who has been hooking up with a guy for MONTHS, expecting that it will soon turn into a relationship, when everyone else around her knows that this kid is playing the game better than Michael Jordan?  This bitch is in her own fantasy world while this guy is secretly (or not so secretly) fucking anything within his reach when he is not with her. The reason this girl is in the realm of denial is because this guy basically treats her like a girlfriend, but will NEVER make her one. This NON-COMMITTER will introduce this poor girl to his parents, have her help pick out the paint colors for his new apartment, have her sleep over every night, and tell her how much he cares about her every day, but he WILL NOT COMMIT.  

Translation from the guy's perspective: 1) I tell her that I care about her to keep her around, and I know she will believe me because I am so charming 2) instead of not being able to fuck her when I want to for the next couple of months, I make up shit as to why I can’t commit right now aka "I’m just not ready", "I’m busy with other things and I want to be able to give you the time you deserve", etc...she eats that shit up 3) it doesn’t take much effort for me to shoot her a text once in a while or see what she is up to. The more I show her that I am interested in talking to her, the more likely she will be DTF later that night when I see her at the bar.

To be honest, I don't blame this guy. What reason does he have to commit? He gets the credit from his BROS for having a hot girl by his side who would do ANYTHING for his attention, yet he can get away with giving her the good old wam, bam, thank you ma'am or the HIT IT AND QUIT IT and then invite the next slut over. This guy is an expert at making excuses, and for fear of losing him (her so-called potential boyfriend) she gives him the benefit of the doubt. 

What girls don't understand is that when a guy REALLY likes them, YOU WILL KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT. There will be ZERO chasing, begging, pleading, or convincing that she is THE ONE and that he should give up his BBM HOES and his obsessive need to bring home the next bar-slut he finds when he has his beer goggles on.

If you are this girl, RUN. IT WILL NEVER WORK. Save yourself the agony and find a REAL MAN.

The Ex Frat-Star

One would assume that post-graduation, the typical EX FRAT-STAR would begin to take his job (if he was lucky enough to have a connection so that he could get one) seriously, drink less, fuck less sluts, and forget about the days of FRATTING HARD with his BROS. However, this is not the case for every FRAT BRO because some of them just don't know how to say goodbye to their dirty, STD-filled frat houses and hello to the real world. This EX FRAT-STAR is so delusional that he thinks he can hold a job working at daddy's company and still RAGE FACE and scour the world for bitches that are DTF Monday through Sunday. Often times, this EX FRAT-STAR becomes even more fratty than when he actually attended college, if even humanly possible. He takes every opportunity to go out with his BROS and get as shitfaced as possible so that he can end up bringing home the biggest cum-dumpster at the bar. Perhaps if these EX FRAT-STARS started comparing their egos to their dick sizes, they would understand that girls think this behavior is heinous and PATHETIC.

All things considered, sometimes a skanky, insecure girl will use an EX FRAT-STAR as a booty call to make her feel better about her life (we are by no means feminists here, we are aware that there are some raunchy-ass hoes in this world). Maybe she's blackout and can overcome her disgust of his lack of brain cells because he has a hot body and she's insanely horny. Regardless, this girl knows what she's getting herself into, and if she doesn't, she's in for a BRUTAL wake-up call. The EX FRAT-STAR thinks that his "charming" lines and his schemes are original, however, any girl with experience (and a brain) knows exactly how to play the game back.

If you think you have the advantage over girls, just know that we think your can't-get-over-college-or-get-a-life-momma's-boy-self is comical and we share it with our clan of BITCHES (and BITCHES talk...A LOT). Eventually, the EX FRAT-STAR will be selling used cars and coming home to nothing but his dog and a TV dinner while all the girls they thought they successfully fucked over become the CEO's of all the companies they couldn't get hired at. 

The Hyberdater

Remember that really cool friend you had? That bitch that was always down to party no matter what night of the week it was? That bitch who was your ultimate WINGWOMAN and would do anything for a good time? That bitch who made fun of other couples and thought PDA was gross and never wanted to be in a relationship? The bitch that can't even count how many BROS she's fucked in her short lifetime thus far? NOW SHE HAS A MAN.

Not only do you never ever see this HYBERDATER anymore, but when she does decide to call, you know all you're going to hear about is her NAUSEATING stories as if this delusional newly boring wall-flower thinks her relationship is straight out of "Gone With the Wind".

This may sound like single-girl jealousy, but what it really is, is REAL TALK. There is NOTHING worse than the couple who is clearly so far off in their imaginary land that you're positive they must be on a permanent acid trip. If you say "I love you" after one week and are already planning your wedding 10 years before it should even be spoken about, EVERYBODY HATES YOU. Get over yourselves, come out of your love-cave and learn how to interact with human beings again because once your significant other cheats on you with some home-wrecking slut, all you're going to have left is your vibrator and a long list of people who DON'T GIVE A FUCK that you've finally decided to crawl out of your man's asshole and join the real world again.